I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
