It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
