She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
