You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
