What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
