Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
