I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
