i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
