New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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