So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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