he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
