she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
