That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
