I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
