A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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