I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
