I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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