I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
