mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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