What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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