i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Randomize
