Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
