Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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