But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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