Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
