Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
