I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
