I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
