Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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