dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
