The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
