On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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