Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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