the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Couch. On fire.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
