sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
