The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
