I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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