YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
