if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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