Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
