were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
