I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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