btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
