I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
