He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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