we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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