Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
