why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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