Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
