listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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