he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
