On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
they need to just BURY HIM!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
