how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
