Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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