There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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