thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
